Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'....

...plannin' and dreamin'.
(Thank you, Nancy Sinatra.)



That's kind of what this summer has been for me. I know I've talked about this before, but I was expecting to have a job this summer and to take a class at the community college. I was hoping to grow in all of my friendships back here at home. I was hoping it would be a summer to remember.

While these things didn't exactly turn out the way I had planned, yet again, God showed me His faithful provision over my life.

..::No "real job" - but I've had odd jobs all summer, giving me things to do and some cash in my wallet.

..::Didn't take a class at the community college - but I got to take it online, saving me gas money and any awkwardness of being in a class with people I didn't know.

..::And my friendships. One friendship, though it has gone through a couple of rough spots (like any normal friendship), has grown and become stronger. At the same time, another friendship changed so much and faded so much, it's hard to know how to respond sometimes. Two other friendships have shown me more about myself (and about them): our personalities, our similarities & differences, our common ground. (I think that speaks for all of my friendships, especially this summer.) And new friends have come into my life: some that may seem silly, in a way, as they are just in their sophomore year of high school. But one especially has made me smile and appreciate her sweet nature. She's mature for her age, yet very innocent. (That has given me something to think about lately.) And, of course, my parents. As lame as this may sound, I consider them my friends. They're the two people in my life who have taught me everything I know, while still allowing me to figure it out in my own way in my own time. They've always been the supportive and loving parents that I've needed, and now I see that the dynamic is changing a little bit. They're still the parents that I know and love (and need), but we're becoming more like friends, as well. Which is a huge blessing for me. And, hopefully, it is for them, too. That will be the hardest part of going back to school: not seeing my two best friends every day (not to sound too lame again).

Anyways, this summer has been one of wishing, hoping, thinking, praying, planning, and dreaming. Having my own wishes & hopes starting as one idea and, because of God's gentle reminders of His sovereignty, changing into desires that I must continually surrender to Him. Thinking and praying about this summer, about the coming school year, about my new roommates and our apartment, about living more fully for Him and growing closer to His heart, about learning to open up my heart to people and allowing, not only myself to get to know others, but allowing others to get to know me. Those things are still daily prayers of my heart. And I trust that He is still molding me into who He wants me to be. And I've been planning and dreaming. Less of the former, more of the latter, to be quite honest.

I feel like I've been given this summer as an opportunity to just enjoy. I was really upset when I never got a job and the class-thing didn't work out how I originally planned, but my Mom said something to me that's stuck with me. She said, "This might be your last summer to just do nothing and do whatever you want to do." Something along those lines. And she was right. I don't know what I'll be doing next summer. I might be home again, which would still be nice. But I might be doing something else - staying at ONU for classes, doing an internship somewhere, whatever else... Only He knows. But I've learned that I need to accept this summer as gift. My attitude has definitely changed from, "Come on, God. I need to be doing something. I need to be busy and productive this summer," to, "Thank You for this break, God. Thank You for allowing me to take a breather and enjoy my vacation. Thank You for allowing this time of rest." Sure, I shouldn't be lazy, but I really believe this summer is a gift; His loving reminder for me to rest in Him and let Him carry my burdens.

Well, this blog turned into something a little different than what I had in mind starting out. But here it is. I'm praising God for His goodness and faithfulness to me. For making His grace and love known to me even more this summer. Keep it coming, Abba. I am Yours.

Chicago.

Chicago is such a beautiful, diverse, exciting city. I spent Saturday there with a couple of friends and walked all over its long and busy streets.

There were times during the day that I would just look around at the huge buildings towering over me and all the people walking, biking, roller-blading, driving, sitting, laying...

It made me realize how small I am. I know we hear all the time how small the world is with all of the technological advances we now have. And, sure, that's true. You can contact anyone as long as you both have e-mail. But I really felt small. And humble. And thankful that Jesus loves me. And amazed that He knows and loves each individual that I passed along the street.

What about me? Do I love them all? Do I make an effort to get to know them? Do I love Him and worship Him each day with my whole self? Not just with my actions. Not just with my words. Not just with my thoughts. With all of the above -- my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Well, I want to love Him with all of me. I want to love others and give, give, give. He has blessed me beyond my worth. And I want to overflow with thanksgiving and imitate His walk. I want to give His love and compassion to others - and always abide in Him and getting re-charged by His faithful grace.

Just some thoughts as I head off to bed after a long, fun weekend. :)

Freedom.

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows."

(Galatians 5:13 MSG)

.......Thank You for setting me free.

He > me

I've been doing it again.

Just having that pessimistic, easily-angered, irritated, short-tempered attitude.

And I hate it.
I hate when I act like that, and I hate the way I feel when I'm like that. This cruddy attitude is something I want to completely do away with. I want to REJOICE ALWAYS, as His Word tells me to do. I want to be cheerful, positive, loving, patient, gracious, encouraging; I want to be like Jesus. I want to live in Him each moment. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. I want to be the me that He created me to be.

He reminded me gently, quietly, lovingly...

"I must become greater;
you, my child, must become less."

He doesn't say it in an "I-told-you-so" way. His voice isn't harsh or over-powerful. He simply tells me, like a true Best Friend. He shows me where I'm struggling and He speaks the truth in love to me...

"I must become greater;
you must become less."

He tells me - He promises me - if I will only surrender everything to Him; put all my hope and trust in Him; simply make myself available to Him, He will grow me, use me, bless me abundantly. He offers me all that I could ever want or need. He has beautiful plans for my life. He loves me with an everlasting love. And He knows what's best for me.

And I want His best! I desire His very best. I know that He wants me to live the abundant life He has prepared for me...

So I surrender to Your will. I'm giving You all of my hurts, anxieties, concerns, joys, hopes, desires...they are Yours, Lord! You must become greater; I must become less.

I am thankful for His gentleness. I am humbled by this beautiful message. And I am extremely humbled by the way He revealed it to me. After all the times I have rudely and loudly and un-compassionately requested or told someone to do something, here He is - the God of the universe, the shaper of the stars, the One who humbled Himself to death on a cross - firmly, yet incredibly softly and tenderly, nudging me and tugging on my heart to just rest in Him; to lean on Him; to let Him carry my burdens.

Jesus, You are too amazing and beautiful and glorious than I can ever begin to express. Who am I, Lord? I am so undeserving.

My focus is needing that shift - from me to Him. (Keep reminding me, Lord.)


Tomorrow's a new day. :)

Know what makes me feel good?
Thinking that I may have given someone some good advice because:
1) I rarely say the right thing at the right time
2) ...just because it's awesome

I was talking to a friend who's actually about 4 years younger than I am, but she's getting to that age when hormones are especially crazy, and awesome, Christian guys are quite rare (at least at our high school). It was an awesome conversation, and I'm thankful that God allowed me to talk with her. It gives me some encouragement about leading the small group (which is supposed to be about relationships). My friend, Chelsea, also wants to help lead it so that would be awesome. She has more experience than I do, but I feel like I also have some thoughts to bring to the table.

Anyways, observe & comment:

her: at school . . . all I've found so far are boys who either don't know what to do with me or they make fun of me because I'm smart . .
her: I mean, what's so wrong about getting to know me, right?
me: you are SO right. don't settle for less than that.
me: boys kinda suck at that age, if i remember correctly.
her: YES!! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!
me: LOL!
her: ^_^
me: you know how boys mature more slowly than girls? i think it's as if they're 2 years younger than they actually are...
me: and i'm like, "that explains a lot."
her: wow, that's a good way to look at it. and it's true too!
her: most of the guys my age (well, not REALLY my age, actually 15 or 16) are always looking for their next girlfriend instead of focusing on something worth working towards in the future
me: yeah. unfortunately, that's how a lot of them are. but i don't wanna just diss on all the boys -- there are actually some good ones out there.
her: very true. I'd love to add more to my list.
me: for me in high school, i would just try to see what characteristics i really liked about the boys i had crushes on (because i did have a few..hehe). like: how important his faith is to him, his sense of humor, his hard work with grades, if he'd rather hang with his guy friends or be surrounded by girls, stuff like that... and so it's just a good way to see what i'm really looking for in a guy.
her: yeah . . . woah. those are good thing to go by. Mind if I steal them?
me: lol naw, i reccomend them.

It was such a good reminder for myself. He's out there, and if I just keep looking to Jesus -- living for Him, seeking Him -- it will be done in His timing.

Love.

My new RA, Christen, emailed a list of all the girls in our building today. And it just made me excited for school. I only know about 8 girls (out of about 40), but that just makes me feel more excited to meet and get to know the other girls; to make new friends -- which, in a way, kind of surprises me. I'm sort of shy, and yet I'm really looking forward to sharing a building with a group of girls I don't even know. (But it's probably because I'm living with 3 of my closest friends from school - and it's not like I don't know any of the other girls.) There are only a few other girls who are the same year as I am -- most of the girls are going to be juniors and seniors (I'll be/I am[?] a sophomore.) That kind of made me nervous at first, but now I'm looking forward to it -- getting to know some girls who are a little older than me, wiser, more experienced, etc.

Anyway, it's just exciting. Simply thinking about the fact that I'll be living in an apartment gets me all pumped. Granted, it's not a huge apartment - and it's still basically on campus. But it's a step up from the dorms, and it kind of makes me feel even a little bit more independent. Shoot, we'll have a toaster! And a shower/toilet/sink that will only be shared by the 4 of us! And a kitchen sink, table, refrigerator, microwave, oven, etc.! AND our apartment has a little balcony! How nifty is that? I think it's pretty cool! :)

I'm really looking forward to the balcony. I mean, we won't really be able to use it once it gets cold -- and, if this winter is anything like last winter, it will last about 4 months. Even so, the time that I will be able to use the balcony should be awesome. I see myself sitting out there, spending quiet time with God, watching the sunrise and sunset. Oh. Except for that our balcony actually faces the other apartments. Haha. Oh well. It'll still be cool. We'll also have a backyard, sort of, which I think will be awesome. :)

Alright. That's all I've got. Just excitement about the coming school year.
(Secret: I'm not all excited; I'm actually a little nervous already, too.)


Goodnight.

Why can't I say what's in my head?

Maybe because sometimes my thoughts are fuzzy and I don't really know what to say at the time - but I come up with something great later. Maybe because I feel like it's not worth it; like I've never connected with someone who really understands my mood and countenance and feelings. I'm not trying to be super needy or anything. I'm not asking for a mind-reader. But I feel like I've never had that one friend - the one who knows my limits and doesn't try to push me past them; the one who knows my likes and dislikes, respects them, and supports me; the one who really knows me, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my hurts, my past experiences, my hopes, my fears; the one who only wants to encourage me and build me up and make me the best version of me that I can be; the one who helps me know Him better, shows me by example what it looks like to be a follower of Christ; the one.
Maybe I'm not talking about just a friend anymore; however, as far as it concerns him, I don't just want to be his girl -- I want to be his best friend, too.

But to get back to the friends thing...
Before I came home for the summer, I asked God to help me embrace the friendships I have here at home. (After a few days of summer vacation, I realized I really only came home to a couple of friends. It was a pretty weird feeling.) And I realize that oftentimes I don't give my friendships my best. I find myself being easily-angered, short-tempered, and impatient. And I hate that. Why am I like that with people I love? I know that, while relationships should be great and fun, they also take a lot of work and effort. It's about give and take. I don't think I've been giving like I should be. Am I? Or am I being like a doormat, letting them just do whatever without speaking up when I feel the need to?

Something that just hit me is that when I really spend quiet time with the Lord, I'm a better friend. I'm more clear-minded, caring, and gracious. And when I don't spend time with Him, well, I'm grouchy and over-emotional and irritable.

Duh. That makes sense.

I always need Him to be my focus, my First Love -- because He truly is. I am so thankful that I can come to Him -- come running and crying to Him -- and He always takes me with open arms. I am thankful that He never lets me down or hurts me.

I want to really love. I want to love like He loves me; like He loves us all. I want to love like He has called me to love. Agape. I don't want to be a doormat, but I want to show some people my heart. That means taking risks, trusting people with the most precious part of me [my heart], and allowing Him to use me - even if it's really hard at the time. Just typing this makes me a little timid, unsure of what exactly He's up to or what He's going to do. And yet, I have peace, knowing that He only wants the best for me.

My favorite Jon McLaughlin song is "Proud Father." Here are some of my favorite lyrics from it that really say it all:

...hold on to someone,
who'll love you through the hot,
and the cold.
And hold on to someone,
who'll love you
no matter what they know.
Just hold on to someone
who'll love you when you're hot
and when you're cold.
And hold on to someone
who'll love you
no matter who they know

Open your mind
So colors of skin you embrace.
And open your eyes
to harmony coming of age.
It won't always be easy to love
when you give and you never get back...
but no one's intended to die
with their heart still intact.