Saturday, June 21, 2008

Why can't I say what's in my head?

Maybe because sometimes my thoughts are fuzzy and I don't really know what to say at the time - but I come up with something great later. Maybe because I feel like it's not worth it; like I've never connected with someone who really understands my mood and countenance and feelings. I'm not trying to be super needy or anything. I'm not asking for a mind-reader. But I feel like I've never had that one friend - the one who knows my limits and doesn't try to push me past them; the one who knows my likes and dislikes, respects them, and supports me; the one who really knows me, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my hurts, my past experiences, my hopes, my fears; the one who only wants to encourage me and build me up and make me the best version of me that I can be; the one who helps me know Him better, shows me by example what it looks like to be a follower of Christ; the one.
Maybe I'm not talking about just a friend anymore; however, as far as it concerns him, I don't just want to be his girl -- I want to be his best friend, too.

But to get back to the friends thing...
Before I came home for the summer, I asked God to help me embrace the friendships I have here at home. (After a few days of summer vacation, I realized I really only came home to a couple of friends. It was a pretty weird feeling.) And I realize that oftentimes I don't give my friendships my best. I find myself being easily-angered, short-tempered, and impatient. And I hate that. Why am I like that with people I love? I know that, while relationships should be great and fun, they also take a lot of work and effort. It's about give and take. I don't think I've been giving like I should be. Am I? Or am I being like a doormat, letting them just do whatever without speaking up when I feel the need to?

Something that just hit me is that when I really spend quiet time with the Lord, I'm a better friend. I'm more clear-minded, caring, and gracious. And when I don't spend time with Him, well, I'm grouchy and over-emotional and irritable.

Duh. That makes sense.

I always need Him to be my focus, my First Love -- because He truly is. I am so thankful that I can come to Him -- come running and crying to Him -- and He always takes me with open arms. I am thankful that He never lets me down or hurts me.

I want to really love. I want to love like He loves me; like He loves us all. I want to love like He has called me to love. Agape. I don't want to be a doormat, but I want to show some people my heart. That means taking risks, trusting people with the most precious part of me [my heart], and allowing Him to use me - even if it's really hard at the time. Just typing this makes me a little timid, unsure of what exactly He's up to or what He's going to do. And yet, I have peace, knowing that He only wants the best for me.

My favorite Jon McLaughlin song is "Proud Father." Here are some of my favorite lyrics from it that really say it all:

...hold on to someone,
who'll love you through the hot,
and the cold.
And hold on to someone,
who'll love you
no matter what they know.
Just hold on to someone
who'll love you when you're hot
and when you're cold.
And hold on to someone
who'll love you
no matter who they know

Open your mind
So colors of skin you embrace.
And open your eyes
to harmony coming of age.

It won't always be easy to love
when you give and you never get back...
but no one's intended to die
with their heart still intact.