my heart wants more.
my heart wants to truly live.
my heart wants people;
genuine, truth-seeking, fallen people,
who are saved by grace, just as i am.
i don't want to take life and people for granted.
i want to get to know others.
i want to let them get to know me.
i want to be loved.
i want someone to love who i really am.
i want him to love me, my heart, my spirit,
the part of me that will go on forever.
i want to be confident and optimistic and real and unafraid.
i want to display God's faithfulness and beauty and love to everyone.
i want to be more than who i am right now.
but i don't know how.
yet.
i need to be in His Word so much more.
i need to be so much closer to Him.
no wonder i feel like this.
i'm not going to Him for everything.
i think i need this break to find rest in Him
and to surround myself in Him.
as well as with other people who love me.
pray for me? that would be great.

"[your beauty] should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

- 1 Peter 3:4

is it Christmas yet?

only a few more days til i head home for turkey break, which i'm pumped for. not so much even thanksgiving day...more of just getting to be home with family. i'm thankful for them. and my friends. and lots of other cool people. and lots of other stuff.

...:::...

it's not even Thanksgiving yet and i'm in the mood for Christmas and snow and mistletoe.

i'm glad, though, that we can celebrate Jesus year-round. i'm glad that He's with us always, our Emmanuel.

...::...

here's some pictures of what's been going on in my life.... : )

these are some of the coolest girls you'll ever meet (my roommates & me ;))
amy, amy jo, emily & me.

here's half of the kewanee kids that go to olivet... :)
the 6 of us, though, try to get together once a week. it's known as "kewanee dinner" and we're so cool that we have non-kewanites joining us. haha.

went to see my favorite band, Relient K, in Chicago at the House of Blues with some cool kids.

and i voted in the presidential election for the first time in my life!, which was pretty cool, even if mccain/palin didn't get it. ;)

and i turned 20 on november 6th! it was an awesome birthday...my parents & good friend, annie, came to visit me that weekend. and we had lots of cake, presents, and parties!

...:::...

it's been a good semester, but i can't believe it's almost over! time goes so quickly!
(i love college, by the way. :))

Living and active.

today i was printing some stuff out from my parent's computer, and my dad's Bible was sitting there. so i picked it up and decided to look through it a bit. (his is KJV, which i am not extremely familiar with as i typically use NIV.) so, i opened to where the bookmark was keeping place - which was Ephesians - and i got a slight chill when i saw the way he had marked it all up and wrote notes in the margins. my goodness, i thought, this looks just like my Bible! i hadn't really gone through dad's Bible before, but it was super cool to see how similar we are as we study the Word. this simple thing was such a blessing today. my heart has been heavy all break, but this was something i needed to see.

(here are pictures of dad's & my Bible respectively; mine is in Ecclesiastes.)

pride and summertime come before the fall.

i know that we're technically in the season of fall, but this week still had that summer-heat feeling to it.

and i found myself longing for true autumn weather when i can wear sweaters and jeans...and see the beautiful reds, yellows, and oranges of the trees...when i can simply inhale and exhale the air and really feel fall.

i can't explain what it is about this season, but it sparks something in my spirit, in my heart. it's a sort of expectation, a knowing that God is moving and working and that He is going to use this time in my life as He does with the earth and its seasons. He is a sovereign God. He uses all situations for His glory -- both the bad and the good. when we go through trials, we often ask Him, "why are you letting this happen, God??" and it is in those times that He lovingly holds us and whispers, "rest in Me. I will use this to bring beauty. cling to Me." God is sovereign.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

(Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

Just got back from working out with my roomies. Since Amy works there, she can go (and she can bring friends) whenever she wants. It was soooo nice to exercise, especially with just the 4 of us.

This weekend was really stressful. I felt way behind with my research paper and finding sources. Turns out, I'm doing pretty okay with all of that. I wish I would've known that earlier so I could have avoided a tearful Saturday evening. But Mom came to visit, which made my day so much better. We went out shopping, had lunch, and just hung out. It was really nice. I love my mommy. :) She also knows how to comfort me, what I need to hear (even when I don't want to hear it), and she can tell when I'm stressed. I can't hide it from her very well. So it was nice to have her here in the midst of my homework breakdown. I am so, so blessed with amazing, godly, loving, supportive, fun parents. I can't express just how thankful I am for them. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. God has blessed me far beyond what I deserve, and I am so grateful.

I am also thankful for my roommates, friends, other family members, the list goes on... It's easy to forget how much I have; I realize how often I take people for granted. A couple of weeks ago, God helped me realize what I really need to invest myself in this year -- and not just this year, but for life -- relationships and love and Him. During one of our roomie prayer times, Amy Jo prayed that our focus and our "worlds" would not be centered on homework this year. Of course, homework is important and without studying, we're not going to do very well. But there's so much more to life than that. Olivet really does have a lot to offer us, allows us to serve and love others through ministries, groups, clubs, etc. And I really want to invest myself fully in Jesus, in His Kingdom, in His Great Commission -- by loving others, loving everyone (even when it's hard), serving others, putting their needs above my own (even when I want things my way), give-give-giving and getting refueled by His Spirit each day, moment-by-moment....

I just want to really live life. I really want to love. (And, honestly, I don't know if this is selfish or just normal, but I want to be loved, too.) Without Him, this life is meaningless. That's what we've been talking about in Sunday School as we go through Ecclesiastes. "Everything is meaningless," Solomon says over and over again. In the end, both the wise and the foolish die. Everything is meaningless...without our sovereign God.

"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." (Ecclesiastes 2:24-26)

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." (Ecclesiastes 3:12-14)

I want to live this life by living in His Spirit moment-by-moment, walking and talking with Him, loving like He does, and to find satisfaction in Him alone. My life is His.

my heart is open and willing; so take it.

So, I'm on week 3 of classes. And, amazingly enough, the homework load has not been too terribly bad. Probably because I've been praying about it every stinking day. And God won't let me be pushed beyond what I can bear. I love how He faithfully shows me how He fulfills His Word in my life - even in small ways. (However, I still need prayer with my classes. I do have a few projects that I know about already - and it wouldn't hurt to get a jump on them while not too much else is going on.)

Before the school year started, I asked God about what He might want me to be involved in this year. Last year I was in a couple of groups, but I wasn't very committed, to be quite honest. I don't want to be like that again, but I would like to be involved in at least one extra thing. I'm not the most out-going person sometimes; I definitely need my personal time. So there's a part of me saying, "Don't worry too much about being involved. You'll have to do things that aren't very comfortable sometimes. Just do classes and have some fun."

Yikes. I don't want that mind-set. See, I don't have a job or anything (my parents have told me time and time again that they'd rather me not worry about having a job now since I'll be working for the rest of my life; they rule) -- but sometimes I feel like I have extra time and sometimes I feel like a big slacker. All 3 of my roomies have jobs and are at least mildly involved in stuff whether it's band, helping out at a church, Bible studies, Sister-2-Sister, etc.

And at the same time, I also thing it's okay. I've not even been here a month yet, right? There really haven't been too many opportunities yet; some, yeah, but not TONS.

Festival of ministries is coming up. I want to follow God's leading. I want to be involved. I want to grow. I want to grow alongside others. I want to love and be loved. I want to invest myself in things that matter, in things that will last (which aren't things at all). All that lasts are our hearts, our souls -- people. I want to invest myself in relationships and love.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, though. My friend, Annie, is coming up to spend the night and celebrate Amy Jo's birthday. We're going to Chicago on Sunday, which should be good times. And I have choir retreat on Friday night! I love those girls. I sincerely feel blessed to be a part of this wonderful group of young ladies.

So, yeah, I guess I am doing stuff. I guess it's just that I find myself comparing myself to others. How lame is that? I know better than that...

"Each one of is created as a unique vessel for God's own purposes (2 Timothy 2:21). We are not to live our lives in self-conscious self-improvement; we are to live in God-consciousness with a deep awareness that we have been purchased at great cost. We are to glorify God in our bodies and in our spirits, which are God's." (From The Titus 2 Woman study)

What a loving and gracious God we serve. I want to know Him more and more. I am thankful for the hunger for His Word He has been giving me lately. What a beautiful mystery is our God. I am His. I am completely His.

Lord, lead and guide me to where You want me. Open my heart to You. I want to be obedient to You. You know my desires and hopes; take them, and mold them into what You want. I want to delight in You daily, moment-by-moment. Your Word tells me to delight myself in You, and You will give me the desires of my heart. Here are my desires; here is my heart. It's all Yours.

Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?

They are higher than the heavens—what can you do?
They are deeper than the depths of the grave —what can you know?

Their measure is longer than the earth
and wider than the sea.

Yet if you devote your heart to him
and stretch out your hands to him,

if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,

then you will lift up your face without shame;
you will stand firm and without fear.

You will surely forget your trouble,
recalling it only as waters gone by.

Life will be brighter than noonday,
and darkness will become like morning.

You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

(Job 11:7-9, 13-18)

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'....

...plannin' and dreamin'.
(Thank you, Nancy Sinatra.)



That's kind of what this summer has been for me. I know I've talked about this before, but I was expecting to have a job this summer and to take a class at the community college. I was hoping to grow in all of my friendships back here at home. I was hoping it would be a summer to remember.

While these things didn't exactly turn out the way I had planned, yet again, God showed me His faithful provision over my life.

..::No "real job" - but I've had odd jobs all summer, giving me things to do and some cash in my wallet.

..::Didn't take a class at the community college - but I got to take it online, saving me gas money and any awkwardness of being in a class with people I didn't know.

..::And my friendships. One friendship, though it has gone through a couple of rough spots (like any normal friendship), has grown and become stronger. At the same time, another friendship changed so much and faded so much, it's hard to know how to respond sometimes. Two other friendships have shown me more about myself (and about them): our personalities, our similarities & differences, our common ground. (I think that speaks for all of my friendships, especially this summer.) And new friends have come into my life: some that may seem silly, in a way, as they are just in their sophomore year of high school. But one especially has made me smile and appreciate her sweet nature. She's mature for her age, yet very innocent. (That has given me something to think about lately.) And, of course, my parents. As lame as this may sound, I consider them my friends. They're the two people in my life who have taught me everything I know, while still allowing me to figure it out in my own way in my own time. They've always been the supportive and loving parents that I've needed, and now I see that the dynamic is changing a little bit. They're still the parents that I know and love (and need), but we're becoming more like friends, as well. Which is a huge blessing for me. And, hopefully, it is for them, too. That will be the hardest part of going back to school: not seeing my two best friends every day (not to sound too lame again).

Anyways, this summer has been one of wishing, hoping, thinking, praying, planning, and dreaming. Having my own wishes & hopes starting as one idea and, because of God's gentle reminders of His sovereignty, changing into desires that I must continually surrender to Him. Thinking and praying about this summer, about the coming school year, about my new roommates and our apartment, about living more fully for Him and growing closer to His heart, about learning to open up my heart to people and allowing, not only myself to get to know others, but allowing others to get to know me. Those things are still daily prayers of my heart. And I trust that He is still molding me into who He wants me to be. And I've been planning and dreaming. Less of the former, more of the latter, to be quite honest.

I feel like I've been given this summer as an opportunity to just enjoy. I was really upset when I never got a job and the class-thing didn't work out how I originally planned, but my Mom said something to me that's stuck with me. She said, "This might be your last summer to just do nothing and do whatever you want to do." Something along those lines. And she was right. I don't know what I'll be doing next summer. I might be home again, which would still be nice. But I might be doing something else - staying at ONU for classes, doing an internship somewhere, whatever else... Only He knows. But I've learned that I need to accept this summer as gift. My attitude has definitely changed from, "Come on, God. I need to be doing something. I need to be busy and productive this summer," to, "Thank You for this break, God. Thank You for allowing me to take a breather and enjoy my vacation. Thank You for allowing this time of rest." Sure, I shouldn't be lazy, but I really believe this summer is a gift; His loving reminder for me to rest in Him and let Him carry my burdens.

Well, this blog turned into something a little different than what I had in mind starting out. But here it is. I'm praising God for His goodness and faithfulness to me. For making His grace and love known to me even more this summer. Keep it coming, Abba. I am Yours.