I need You here, I need You now; I need security somehow.

Life has been kind of hard the last two weeks. My family and I have been hurting and grieving the loss of my cousin, Schuyler, who was killed in Afghanistan. But because of the Lord's strength, we are getting through.

I start class again on Monday, which might be nice to get back on a schedule - but it's been so helpful to be home with my family while all of this is still so new. No one at school has been affected by this like my family and I have. It's hard to be the only one. I am grateful for my friends at school who have been praying for us, but it's not exactly the same as being with the ones who are feeling how I'm feeling. If that makes sense. On the one hand, I don't want to draw any attention because of this - but on the other hand, I don't want people to just forget about it or think that I'm just fine. Because, really, I'm not. I know that, eventually, I will be okay - but right now, I'm just not. And I think that's pretty normal after a family member passes away. But it's hard to go about my daily routine, especially when I'm away from home...away from the people who are struggling in the same way that I am.

Pray that I can show grace to my friends at school when I'm feeling sad about Schuyler and they're worried about boyfriend-girlfriend stuff - issues that are usually fine to talk about with me, but since Sky's death...I don't know, it's just like I kind of learned more about things that are truly important in life. Not that boy-girl stuff isn't important - it can be. In fact, that's been a topic at the front of my mind this semester as I take Sociology of Marriage. ;) But I guess there's just a time for everything. Right now, for me and my family, this is a time to mourn.

So again, pray that God will help me show grace to my friends at school who may not be as sensitive to my feelings right now (because sometimes I'm just not very good at telling people how I'm feeling - so they may not even realize that I'm struggling). Pray that God will provide me a solid friend at school who I can talk to about this - or about anything - when I need to get something off my chest.

Even through the sadness and grief, I know that the Lord is still good. He is faithful and full of love and compassion. It's difficult to remember during times like this, but I know that it's true - regardless of how I feel. Pray that my family will see Him through this and want to know Him personally.

-------

..:: love and miss you, sky...::
Schuyler: February 17, 1984 - February 24, 2009.

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The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken

-Psalm 34:17-20

for you.

i need You.
it just doesn't seem real.
help them to see You through this tragedy.

---

"Suffer hardship with me, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus."

~2 Timothy 2:3

you were a good soldier.
you always lived life to the fullest.
you weren't afraid of anything.
i truly loved you, though i never told you.

~~~
this one's for you, sky.

You.

i know You can take my questions.
You can handle my doubts.
You know that i'm kind of confused....
You hear my prayers,
You listen and care and work.
but i am nothing compared to You --
not to say that You don't care about me.
oh, how deeply You care for me and love me
and value me.
You are the only One who defines me.
but You are so big,
You are so above everything and everyone.
how can we even begin to think
we have You figured out?
do you really change Your mind, like he said?
i have always known You as my Rock, the consistent One
who never changes.
and that has always been a good thing.
You always have the best in mind.
You are a sovereign God.
Your thoughts and ways are higher,
so much higher than mine.
i can trust You at all times.
here is my heart.
it is fully Yours.
questions and all.
surrendered to You.
You are bigger than my questions.
You are the answer.
You are Truth.

Take my heart, I lay it down
At the feet
of You who's crowned
Take my life
I'm letting go
I lift it up
to You who's throned


Take my fret, take my fear
All I have I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights
Be my everything

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord

Being Apathetic's a Pathetic Way to Be.

Classes start a week from today. I'm getting ready to go back to school...well, at least mentally and emotionally. I haven't actually started packing or anything, but I'm ready to get back on a schedule, see friends from school, and get into my classes - even though that means homework is going to be a part of my life once again.. This break has been really relaxing, and it's been great spending time with my family and friends at home -- and it's always nice to have a break from responsibility. :)

I always seem to think that something great or exciting will happen over breaks - and usually that never really happens. But what am I anticipating? I came home for Christmas break to spend time with my family and to relax after a busy semester. And that's exactly what I did! Here are some things I accomplished this break:

1. Finished watching the complete series of The Gilmore Girls (for the second time) with Annie.
2. Watched a lot of Freaks and Geeks on youtube.
3. Bought a bookbag...for a quarter! (Yay for Christmas gift cards.)
4. Almost finished a book (it's really long!, and I still might -- I have about 4 days left on break).
5. Got to hang out with my friend, Kate, who has been in Costa Rica since August.
6. Spent a lot of time with my family and a few friends.
7. Made two really great quesadillas.
8. Babysat.
9. Had an awesome Christmas with my family.
10. Finally played drums on Rock Band.

(Yes, I do realize several of those are pathetic, but some of them are pretty cool.)

-----

May this new year be one of growth, strength, and a deeper knowledge of God's grace, love, and faithfulness for all of us. Please keep me in prayer as I begin a new semester and a new year. Let me know if there is anything specific that I can be praying about for you.

take it all down, Christmas is over; do not despair, but rather be glad.

Christmas was great, even though it took a while for it to feel like Christmas for some reason. There was snow, there were lights...but it wasn't really until the Christmas Eve service at church that it really felt more like Christmas.

I still have one more family party, which was canceled today because of the weather. And I still need to give a few friends their Christmas presents, which should be fun. So, Christmas is not over. Actually, I can celebrate Jesus' birth year-round, which is pretty cool. Sometimes it's hard to remember what Christmas is about, even for a Christian. I find myself making it into a really materialistic holiday. And even good things like spending time with family and being generous to others is not necessarily what Christmas is about. It's supposed to be about celebrating Christ's birth. I'm thankful that we can do that and spend time with loved ones.

I go back to school in about two and a half weeks, which still seems pretty far away but I know it will be here before I know it. I emailed my profs for next semester so I can order my books on ebay or amazon, which should hopefully be cheaper than the bookstore. I'm hoping that this semester will be great. I remember last year, my freshman year... I think I had more fun spring semester, so I'm kind of hoping this semester will be even better than last semester.

I've been watching episodes of Freaks and Geeks on youtube a lot this week. I think it used to be on Fox Family back in 1999. It was an awesome show, and it's been fun watching it again. I wish they would have made more than one season - or at least kept the re-runs on TV.

Anyways, this blog is kind of pointless. I just felt like posting. Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

i'll be home for Christmas.

I have one more final tomorrow morning at 10, then I'll (hopefully) be on my way home. This final will probably be my hardest one yet, so I'm kind of dreading it (and also dreading studying for it ;)). The class (Theories of Personality) was pretty interesting, but it was actually fairly similar to The History and Systems of Psychology I took last year. It was still good, though. I just don't want to study 18 chapters for the exam tomorrow. Yuck.

But then I will be on my way home! Hopefully the roads won't be too bad. It's kinda scary driving on ICE. Yikes. Pray for safe travel for all of us kids driving home for the holidays.

I'm looking forward to this time off from school...in some ways. On the one hand, I really can't wait to sleep in and not go to class for four whole weeks (!!!!), and it means I'll get to spend time with my family - plus, Christmastime is just wonderful anyways (yay Jesus!). But break also means that I won't see all of my friends from ONU every day. It's crazy how close we've gotten - especially with my roommates. I feel so blessed to have gotten to know them better this year. Sometimes it feels like home is here at school, too. Which is pretty cool. Even when it doesn't feel like it, things are happening. And God is working in me and growing me. I feel blessed to love being both at home and at school. I have people who love and care about me in both places and vice versa. How cool is that?

Okay, I need to go study. NOW. :)

two and a half weeks to go

until Christmas break!
...but it's kinda nice being back at school. : )
i'm really blessed -- i love being at home & i love being at school.
sometimes i wish i could morph the two "worlds" into one.
when i first left for college, i wanted to take the people from my hometown to school with me;
now it's more of i want my school friends to come with me when i'm home.
i don't know if that makes sense, but that's how it feels sometimes.

;;;

so my dad got a facebook.

;;;

i kinda wanted to go to the Christmas lighting ceremony-thingy on campus tonight, but my roomies were either busy or didn't feel up to it tonight. and i'm skipping small group. although i should be studying or at least unpacking the rest of my stuff from thanksgiving break.

;;;

so there's a Christmas banquet at school in a couple weekends, but i'm not going. haha. however, i might be going to Chicago with some friends! we will still get all dressed up & i think we might be going to like...a jazz club or something? but yeah, it sounds like fun! i was looking at dresses when i was thinking about going to Banquet, and this is the one that i reeeeally like (but am not getting..hah):

isn't it pretty? it's only $60, too! haha. oh well.

;;;

i'm kind of on a picture frenzy at the moment, so...
i'm saving my money up for this little guy:

it's a Nikon D40...about $500, which is actually pretty cheap for a sweet camera. and if i keep saving (and hopefully get money for Christmas & stuff), HOPEFULLY i'll be able to get it by this summer. :) i'm excited!

so i'm asking for money for Christmas, which is kind of a boring gift - but it'll pay off. no pun intended?
howeverrrr, i told my parents that, instead of $$, i would reallyreallyreally like the complete series of Gilmore Girls (all 7 seasons!). because i love ittttttt.

but if they can't manage that, i'll just take...

haha :)

i know this is only a TV show, but i am starting to like logan even more than jess. i've never been much of a dean fan except at the very beginning. jess has always been my favorite of rory's boyfriends, but now i'm leaning towards logan.

anyway. back to reality.

this was basically just to waste some time/avoid homework & unpacking.
but today was pretty good. it was snowing, which i like. :) and i wore my new boots. aaaaand i was actually pretty friendly and confident today, which was an awesome feeling. i need some more of that.




okay. i'm off like a dirty shirt.